


the letters and memories

by renmoojunskz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aged up characters, Angst, Depression, Happy Ending maybe, Homophobia (sort of), Letters, Light fluff at the end, M/M, Memory Loss, Reuniting, Sickness, Slow Burn, Soft boy Jisung, another chapter later?, car crash, changbin bad boy, drinking and driving, long asf, lowkey badboy changbin, mature for language, tattoo covered changbin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-11 12:35:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19928167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renmoojunskz/pseuds/renmoojunskz
Summary: in which jisung finds a box of letters and items that he doesn't remember. though he doesn't remember a lot. the contents of the letters help him remember and he needs to find the person who wrote them.jisung doesnt remember a lot of his life.he knows how he forgot though.he remembers most of the crash and he remembers that someone was there.but nothing before it.he was 18 when it happened. over time he remembers a lot of his friends and family and stories but not anything from the years 15 to 18.he had decided to move now, at 22. and he finds something.a box with a lot of letters and some small things.and thats when he starts to remember.





	1. Chapter 1

jisung tapes the lid shut on the box and sets it with the others. he was almost done.

he pulls his mattress off of the frame and pushes it out to the hall before starting to take the frame apart.

then he spots a metal box underneath the frame.

he digs it out and stares at it. it sparks something in his mind but it isn't quite there.

he snaps the lid off and pulls out the contents.

inside is a small necklace with a music note charm, a hand held mirror, a leather glove, a knotted sock, and then papers.

jisung holds the items and sits with them for a while.

he needs to finish packing but he is interested in the papers.

he looks through them and figures out they are letters.

he finds the first one and reads.

"october 4 2014,

jisung,

letters are so old school. i mean we are only sixteen now but still. i don't even know why im writing this. i think im just bored.

you're chewing your pencil again. 

fuck math is so stupid.

our date is tomorrow. our first date. well, technically we have been on a few since we confessed but this is official and im so excited to actually take you out.

i have something nice planned. dinner and then video game night! ill teach you how to play a few and i'll probably let you win all the games.

i guess i just love you too much.

is it too early for that?

i don't care. i love you.

love, yours only."

jisung reads it four times.

something's there but he really can't seem to remember who it is from.

the sun is setting. jisung is moving tomorrow he needs to pack. but he finds the next letter.

"december 27 2014,

sung-ah,

right now you are sleeping. since i didn't have a family for Christmas this year after my coming out, your mom invited me to stay here to celebrate.

it was so amazing and i wanted to write to you again. one day i will show you these letters if i decide to write more.

it calms me to write to you.

thank you for everything you have done for me these past few months. your mom has accepted us and taken me in now and i'm so happy and i feel so loved.

i love you so much jisung and if you weren't with me i wouldn't be here. i hate my parents.

i really do.

i don't know why they reacted like that to me. 

at least your mom and grandma accepted you. and me. they love me. 

i feel safe here, at home.

im always at home with you."

within this is something strong in jisungs memories that makes him want to cry.

why wasn't there a name?

he folds this letter neatly and puts it on top of the first before opening the third.

"may 21 2015,

sungie,

schools out! one more year!

it's been awhile since i've written but i've been busy working on music and loving you.

i definitely will give you these in the future.

these months have been absolutely amazing. im so happy here with you. taking care of you and your grandma and mom.

i can't believe we are graduating soon…

speaking of… i gave you a gift today. i hope when you read these, you still have it.

our shared love for music is just one thing that makes us so strong together baby, that's why i chose that music note charm. its small and simple. i saved a lot for it and it made my heart swell the way you smiled so big and hugged me. 

im so glad you like it.

one more year, baby."

jisung picks up the small silver necklace as he sets this letter down on the growing pile and examines it.

it was simple but pretty. jisung slowly puts it around his neck and it feels so familiar there.

the next letter has doodles all over it.

"september 14 2015,

happy birthday jisung!

you're 16! 

we sang happy birthday to you, chan and felix and i, this morning and you hated it because everyone in the halls were staring.

but you gave me a kiss after so i know you love me still.

i still cant believe your mom gave me your dad's old motorcycle. im almost done fixing it but its so cool!

you called me a bad boy when i bought that leather jacket and those gloves but i know you secretly love it even though you make fun of me.

im so happy for you now that you're feeling better. that medicine is working so well.

anyway, class is ending so i love you."

motorcycle? 

he remembers a motorcycle and something is fuzzy about it.

he places the letter down and grabs the next, heart hurting and head pounding.

"november 28 2015,

jisung,

today was fun. we went out shopping and i told you that you could get anything you wanted. 

you only wanted this small mirror that was so simple.

it was only a few dollars so i got it. 

but out of all the stores that's all you wanted.

ill finish this letter later."

lower on the page is more writing.

"it's been a few months sorry, but you love that mirror. you take it everywhere.

im not sure why its so important to you…

i asked the other day and you just said that you love it because it reminds you of me.

which makes me happy.

i love you so much jisung."

jisung smiles, picking up the mirror.

he really feels happy reading these and it hurts thats theres not a name. these are from the years of his life that he can't remember.

he reads the next.

"april 12 2016,

ITS OVER!

WE ARE DONE!

NO MORE OF THIS BULLSHIT!

baby, we graduated!! after all of this struggling..

im so fucking proud of you.

baby… you worked so hard for this. and im so happy that you've been taking your medicine and getting better! and you're here! you did it.

im so… im so fucking happy sungie.

im going to take you for dinner now. i love you."

jisung was struggling? he only remembers the beginning.

that he had started to feel sad.

he didn't know he had medicine and that he was having a hard time.

"july 19 2016,

jisung,

today you stole my glove.

i KNOW you stole it. what am i supposed to do with one glove?

you're one sneaky ass sometimes.

anyway, you should give me my glove back soon."

it was short but it made jisung smile.

he takes the battered glove from the box and laughs.

"august 12 2016,

you know our apartment doesn't allow dogs right.

man we are going to be kicked out.

but berry is so cute…

and literally the best birthday present ever.

you know what…

we can keep her for now.

even though she keeps eating my socks.

thank you jisung. i love her. a lot. i just hope our landlord doesn't find out because we JUST moved in. 

i love you though. she makes me happy again."

so thats why theres a chewed up sock in here?

wait.

berry? chans dog??

jisung shakes his head. no.. it can't be. he doesn't even know whos writing these it can't be chan…

he wasn't dating chan.

"february 20 2017,

jisung,

right now we are having a lot of problems… 

i love you okay?

but i need you to take your medicine jisung. i can't lose you. and if you don't take it i… jisung i could lose you.

that medicine keeps you from… from getting bad and…

im sorry i yelled but you can't keep flushing them… you really have to keep them.

god jisung i… am so upset you can't leave me i don't know what i would do…

i don't want to fight anymore im sorry.

i love you. im sorry."

problems…

they were fighting.

it can't be chan.

chan would have told him..

"may 19 2017,

jisung,

this is my fault.

you're in this hospital and it's my fault.

we have been fighting… and i got mad and yelled again and you left and if i didn't yell at you, you wouldn't have ran into the street and…

now you're in a coma.

fuck jisung.

fuck. 

im so sorry. i fucked up. 

now you don't know who i am and..

fuck.

im sorry baby..

ill stay here. everyday. ill wait forever for you. as long as i have to. ill make it better. 

you'll hate me. 

fuck you'll hate me when i tell you that im the reason that bus hit you. i could have stopped you. i should have kept you from running.

im sorry."

the accident….

it was because he was fighting with his… boyfriend…?

his head was starting to hurt.

there was one more letter.

"january 4 2018,

you haven't… you're still..

i can't do this.

jisung i… i can't sit here and just watch you dying in front of me.

so i.. i am going to go now. i'll leave you these letters and your… favorite things and i'm going to go.

i have a box for you and i'm going to put your necklace, after i clean it, the mirror, glove, even berry's sock in it..

berry is going to live with chan.

im sorry. i can't do this jisung.

i can't stay here with you when i know its my fault.

goodbye jisung. ill always love you."

january 4 was.. 2 days before he woke up.

jisung needs to know who this was.

chan.

he scrambles for his phone and calls him.

only after 3 calls unanswered does he realize it's nearly 2am. 

he feels tears slide down his cheeks and his stomach rolls.

he sprints to the bathroom and vomits.

his body trembles as he sits there.

after a while, he stands, still shaking, and starts throwing the rest of his things in boxes.

he keeps thinking about the letters.

in the morning chan will be here to help, he will ask him.

he has to.

-

jisung didn't sleep.

he read the letters at least 10 times each.

he keeps touching the items and he cant stop crying. he doesn't know why he's crying though.

"hey jisung!" he snaps his head up at the sound and grabs the box and letters, stepping through boxes to chan.

"what is this?" 

he holds the box out and chan stares at it.

"um." chan clears his throat. "where did you find that?"

"what is it, chan?" he feels angry. why? 

"jisung i-"

"did you know about these? why didn't you tell me?? who are these from? chan what is this?" jisungs voice gets louder and he feels tears in his eyes.

"hey im older than you-"

"WHAT IS THIS?" 

the tears fall and he sobs. 

"jisung really i dont think its good for you to look at these just-"

"ive already read them! who is it?"

"changbin." chan blurts. "your boyfri- ex boyfriend." 

"whos changbin. where is he?"

"you.. jisung seriously."

"please just tell me anything about him."

"are you sure? we need to get these out of here.."

"please. i feel something when i read them and they are from those years im missing in my memory. please chan hyung."

"you dated for nearly 4 years. you met in school and you hit off within a week and you two were really perfect for each other. you went on a few unofficial dates and then he asked you out. you were so happy. i have never seen two people so happy jisung. you were his everything. your mom loved him too. i don't know jisung i-"

"where is he? i want to meet him."

"jisung he left. he's gone."

"gone?"

"he left."

"why?"

"he was upset he was the reason you…"

"i want to see him. chan please. where is he?"

"i don't know jisung."

"you don't know?" 

"i don't know. he just left."

"what's his phone number? his last name? his birthday? anything. please."

"its seo but-"

"seo changbin?"

"yes but-"

"his phone number do you have it?"

"yes but-"

"give me it."

"jisung i can't."

"yes you can!" 

"i can't! he told me he didn't want to talk to you!"

"chan i have to."

"jisung no-"

"give me your phone."

after a struggle, jisung snatches the phone and runs into the bathroom, locking it.

"jisung! stop!" 

but jisung finds the number and he presses it into his phone and presses call.

chan bangs on the door and yells.

it rings.

"hello?"

jisung heart drops. the voice sounded so familiar.

"um hello? who is this?"

"seo changbin?"

"yes? who is this?"

"han jisung. do you remember me?"


	2. the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they meet.

there was silence on the other end and jisung is scared that chan lied or maybe changbin really didn't want to talk to him.

chan had given up on getting in.

after a while, the silence is broken.

"yes."

"i found… your letters?" it comes out as a question.

"i see."

"i think i really want to meet you."

"do you know who i am?"

"no. well maybe i don't know. we dated right?"

"i was the reason you lost your memory."

"im sure it wasn't like that-"

"you ran out into the street because of me."

"okay yes but i-"

"jisung i don't think you want to meet me."

"im wearing the necklace."

"that's… nice. but I don't think you want to."

"i do. please? i really really want to."

it's quiet again.

"jisung please hang up." chan asks from the other side of the door. 

"i agree. you should hang up."

"but i want to meet you."

"no,"

"yes."

"no jisung."

"if you and i were in love don't you think you would remember that im stubborn and i get my way."

there's a long sigh. "im not even in Korea."

"then ill come to you."

"no don't. im supposed to be coming back tomorrow anyway."

"great timing!" jisung squeals.

"i guess. ill…tell chan where you should meet me and when. but please don't expect anything spectacular."

"if i was in love with you, you have to be absolutely perfect."

"see you tomorrow."

the line goes dead and jisung grins wide.

he opens the door and prances out.

"this is a bad idea jisung."

"im fine, hyung."

"you might be but he definitely isn't."

they stare at each other. 

jisung blinks. "what does that mean?"

"he was in therapy for the past years jisung. he just got out of the hospital. he was actually suicidal."

"because of me?"

"because of what happened to you, yes. this is definitely going to tear him apart."

"but if its because of me it should help that i want to be a part of his life right?"

chan shakes his head and sits, tugging jisung down the hold him in his lap. "changbin has been in a lot of pain. he is dead convinced this is all his fault. he's put himself through hell and seeing you will just bring back all the guilt and sadness."

"im not mad though. im sure it was a mistake."

"it was sungie. it really was." chan cups his face and smiles sadly. "he loves you so much."

"really?" 

chan nods, thumbs running lightly on jisungs cheeks. "so much jisung. you were the light of his world and when you got so…sad, he was just falling apart. he wanted to help you and he always felt as though he wasn't doing enough."

jisung pouts. "i want him to be happy. i really do."

"you dont know how hard this is going to be for him."

"ill make it easier. i will!" jisung nods frantically. "if he was such a big part of my life, i want him back."

chan rests his forehead on jisungs and closes his eyes. "you should get some sleep then."

"okay."

jisung slides down so he can nuzzle into chans neck and the older stands, taking him to bed.

"please be gentle with him. he's fragile still."

"i will.." jisung yawns.

-

jisung bounces in his seat.

after reading those letters, he's excited to have a large piece of his past back in his life.

he wasn't expecting someone like this though.

"jisung?"

he looks up and stares.

the boy in front of him was…. wide. to put it the best way. he was probably the same height as jisung but he was big. he wore all black, a tight black tank top and black jeans and black converse.

he was hot.

"changbin??"

the boy slides into the chair across from him and fidgets. "thats me."

his voice was quiet, gravelly.

"im so happy to meet you." jisung beams.

changbin stares at him. "you look so pretty. good. good. you look so good."

jisung feels his cheeks heat up. 

"do you want coffee?" he asks.

jisung nods. "i-"

"iced americano. yeah. i know. and a slice of cheesecake. ill be back."

changbin practically runs to the counter in the cafe he had chosen.

wow. he did know jisung.

when he returns with the snacks, jisung digs in.

"the same. still the same." changbin offers a small smile.

jisung looks up, cheeks full of cheesecake.

changbin plays with his own fingers. "im sorry i don't know what to say now."

"its okay."

"sorry." changbin whispers.

"stop that."

"im just sorry i guess."

"do you want to take me on a date?"

changbin coughs and glances up. "i don't think you want that."

"if we were even half as in love as those letters made me think, i definitely do."

changbin sighs. "yeah but i ruined your life."

jisung reaches over and takes changbins hands, lacing them with his own.

changbin stares.

"i don't think that's true." 

changbin pulls jisungs hands closer and stares more.

"changbin?"

"sh." he shushes, bringing their hands to his face.

jisung raises an eyebrow.

"did you… how much do you weigh?" changbin examines his hands.

"excuse me?"

"wait that sounded wrong. but like.."

"um i don't know?"

"you lost weight."

"it's been years since you have seen me."

"still."

"so that date."

"i don't-"

"i want to go on a date. so you're taking me on one."

"okay." changbin squeezes his hands.

"so where you taking me? can we go now?"

"i don't even- jisung-"

"come on i bet you can come up with something in the car."

jisung stands and pulls him up, dropping one of his hands.

"but-"

"lets go!" jisung tugs him up. "and at the end you're going to kiss me!"

"wait-"

"come on!"

changbin finally lets him pull him out the door.

jisung bounces in his seat as changbin drives.

"i don't know where we are going."

"wherever."

"but i want it to be good."

"it will be wherever we go."

changbin squeezes his hand.

jisung pulls their hands to his lap and plays with changbins fingers.

"why are there callouses?"

"im a mechanic. work on cars." changbin turns into a park.

"that's hot."

"yeah cause being covered in sweat and dirt and oil at the end of every day is sexy."

jisung giggles. "you're funny."

changbin smiles. "okay this will do."

jisung smiles wide. "aww cute."

they get out and start walking on the path.

jisung smiles again. "i like this. i like you."

"i hope so." changbin sighs.

"hey listen. just because we fought and i ran out doesnt mean its your fault."

changbin shrugs.

"really im serious. im not mad at you and i don't hate you. i want you back in my life. you seem so awesome. really."

"really?"

"really." jisung takes his hand again.

"okay." changbin smiles at him.

"how about tomorrow i visit you at work. yeah? and we can talk a whole bunch."

"okay."

jisung grins wide. "great! so boyfriends then?"

"that's a little fast."

"dont care."

"okay then." changbin coughs. "but maybe a few more dates first?"

jisung shrugs, "okay."

they walk in silence for ages, holding hands and smiling.

they make it back to the car and jisung gives him directions back to his apartment.

"walk me?" jisung asks.

changbin nods. "yeah."

at jisungs door, jisung gives him a soft smile, placing his hands on his chest.

changbin tenses. "um."

"ooh you're strong." jisung feels him up openly. "abs huh? man i picked good didnt i?"

changbin chuckles and finally, FINALLY, touches him, holding his waist.

jisung rests his forehead on changbins and they stand there for a while.

"are you going to kiss me?"

changbin lets out a breath. "yeah just preparing myself."

jisung opens his mouth but is caught by changbins lips.

jisungs body reacts, stepping closer and pressing himself close.

changbin is hesitant at first and then his hands get tighter, holding him harder.

it was slow and sweet and jisung could feel his heart swooning.

there was a reason he was with changbin. 

this reason.

his hands find changbins neck and it gets faster and faster until changbin pulls away.

"okay." he smiles.

"but i didn't want to stop." 

"we should. we just… met."

"but i feel like ive loved you my whole life."

changbin lets out a shaky breath. "i love you so much. really. i don't want to push anything."

"i want to remember you though."

"you will."

"then come inside."

"i-"

"do you not want to?"

"i do. i haven't done anything since- well since you but i just don't know if you-"

"i want to. pleaseeee?" jisung pouts.

"god." changbin smiles. "okay. okay."

"yay!" jisung unlocks the door and drags him in.

"are yall really serious?"

jisung groans, burying his face in changbins chest.

"huh?" changbin grunts.

"wow. well good job i guess congrats."

"chan hyung get out we are literally naked."

"ive seen you both before. anyway, its 2pm get up."

jisung opens his eyes and turns to look at him. "later."

chan just laughs and closes the door.

changbin hums, rolling over and wrapping his arms around jisungs waist and kissing his shoulder.

jisung smiles. "i know why i was in love with you now."

changbins smiles against his skin and rubs his stomach. "i never fell out of love with you."

jisungs heart pounds. "im so happy i found those letters."

"me too." changbin whispers. "i promise ill get better for you."

"ill help you. like you helped me." jisung turns and smiles. he shuffles closer and changbin lets out a yelp.

"still naked!" he coughs.

jisung laughs. "just kiss me."

"happily."


	3. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE ATTEMPT, CAR CRASH, PANIC ATTACKS, AND MEMORY LOSS.

"YOU CHEATED!!!"

"NO I DIDN'T! I'M JUST GOOD AT MARIO KART!"

jisung pouts and crosses his arms. "meanie."

"aww." changbin sets his controller down and pulls jisung into his lap. "come on baby don't be like that."

"but i always win!"

"it's because i let you."

jisung huffs, putting his head on changbins shoulder. "whatever."

"do you want ice cream?"

jisung perks up a little. "do we have any??"

"yeah i bought some after work yesterday."

jisung hops up and rushes to the kitchen, finding his treasure in the freezer.

he grins wide. "thank you!!!"

changbin leans on the counter as jisung digs into it, getting ice cream all over his face.

"messy." changbin chuckles.

jisung sticks his tongue out and hops on the counter across from changbin.

changbin smiles. "still pretty." 

jisung blushes. "shut up."

"hey tomorrow's our one year."

jisung looks at him, panic in his eyes. "oh my god really? i forgot! I didn't get you a present or anything-"

"baby you don't need to."

"but you probably got me somethin-"

"i did. but I don't need anything from you. just having you is all i need." 

jisung groans. "so sappy."

changbin laughs loudly. "only for you."

-

"how long? when was the last time you took it jisung?"

"I don't know a few months?"

"are you serious???" changbins voice gets louder.

"I don't like the new kind! the old stuff didn't affect me like this. this makes me tired and heavy."

"you have to take it jisung!"

jisung pouts. "why can't I have the old stuff??"

"this is better! it's stronger it helps you stop having those panic attacks!"

"don't yell at me…"

"jisung take your fucking medicine. im not having a repeat of what happened the last time."

"when i was in a coma yeah yeah-"

"no when you fucking tried to hang yourself in the bathroom!"

"i- what?"

"2015! you tried to kill yourself because you stopped your medication!" changbin screams. "if I hadn't gotten off early you'd be dead!!"

jisung flinches. "I don't even remember that-"

"yeah because the second time you stopped taking it you got hit by a truck and almost died! jisung you have to take it! if you dont you do stupid shit!"

"that wasn't my fault!!!! you yelled and made me mad it's your fault i ran out in the first place."

changbin snaps his jaw shut and the fire in his eyes burns away. "what?"

"you heard me!"

changbins jaw twitches. "it wasn't my fault."

"yeah so you didn't start screaming at me like you are right now and scare the shit out of me making me run in front of that truck?? yeah right!"

"you were off your meds it wasn't my-"

"if you stop getting mad at this instead of helping me i wouldnt do dumb shit! how would you feel if i ran out there into the street right now and-" jisung starts walking to the door but changbin grabs him.

"please." his voice breaks. "please don't."

jisung stares as his boyfriend crumbles in front of him. 

"please please don't go. I couldnt- I can't- please just-"

his breathing was broken and his whole body started shaking.

"jisung please-"

"hyung hey…" jisung softens, cupping changbins face. "hey im sorry i didn't mean any of that… it wasn't your fault. i promise. and im not going anywhere."

changbin cries harshly. "please don't go."

"im not im not. come here." he pulls changbin to the bed and lays down.

changbin pulls him into his arms and cries harder. "stay please."

"im not leaving." jisung kisses his shoulder and neck and face, trying to calm him down.

after a while the cries slow down and hes sniffling.

"better?"

"yeah… im sorry for yelling… i just can't lose you again and if you stop taking it you'll.."

jisung sighs. "im sorry hyung. i just don't like it. i want something else."

"then we can go to your doctor and get something new."

"thank you. and it wasn't your fault. it wasnt. i was just mad i didn't mean that."

changbin nods and kisses him. "i know. you just kind of set off everything from years ago and i panicked."

"i know. im sorry."

"its okay. im fine." 

"okay."

"jisung?"

"yeah?"

"i was going to do this tomorrow but…" changbin gets up and opens his dresser drawer, pulling out a tiny box.

jisung stares. 

"i want to now instead. jisung… i know it's only been a year back with you but… it's like we picked up where we left off, like we have been together for 5 years. and.. i never want to lose you again. i love you so much and.." he settles onto his knee in front of jisung. "i want to be with you forever. and i want to live in this small ass apartment with berry and have chan hyung and all our friends over and throw cute married couple parties. and.. i want you to be my husband. will you.. marry me?"

jisung cries loudly. "oh my god what the fuck." he laughs.

changbins eyes get sad. "oh. um.. i knew it was too fast. fuck. forget it i-"

"no! no no im sorry I wasn't expecting this. 10 minutes ago you called me stupid and now." jisung laughs again, wiping his cheeks.

"oh.. uh yeah." changbin laughs a little too.

"but yeah. yeah." jisung nods. "yes. i will."

changbins face lights up. "really?"

jisung nods again. "really."

changbins clumsy fingers finally put the ring on jisungs shaky finger and he pulls him into a hug.

"i love you hyung."

"i love you so much jisung."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading i hope you liked it as much as i did and i promise this is the last chapter i just wanted you guys to have a little more!
> 
> dont forget to check out my aus on twitter! @binseobins


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